Saturday, August 27, 2011

Your Bar Can SMD (Scan My iDentification)

I’m not what you might call a “worldly” person. In general I don’t give a shit what’s going on in the news, who is killing who, or what new political agenda is passing because really none of it affects my life. Any news that I actually need to know about will be a major alert that streams down the bottom of the TV screen while I’m jerking it to the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Hurricane hitting the east coast? Stock up on booze we’ve got a long weekend ahead of us.
But I did happen to be reading the newspaper the other day and I came across an article that will definitely affect my life. In fact, it spells doom for all enthusiastic drinkers. New scanner technology is letting bars share information about us when they check our IDs. So every time your ID gets scanned, they get whatever information any other bar has shared about you. Whether you get into fights, how well you tip, how many fat girls you go home with. They can then use that information to decide whether or not they want to let you in, regardless of whether you’ve ever set foot in their bar before. Get kicked out of a bar for shoving an off-duty cop: get denied at the bar down the road. Fucking. Bullshit.

While most of the privacy law nutjobs commented on this news because it violates our rights to privacy as citizens of this country, college kids know the real threat. It violates our right to get fucked up and break shit. As human beings on planet earth.
Short are the days that we’ll be able to take advantage of bouncers unencumbered by long reaching memories. I mean, I’ve gone to a bar, stolen drinks off tables, knocked over those tables while drinks were still on them, started multiple fights, convinced the bouncers to kick out the other people in the fight, and got sent to the hospital for alcohol intoxication. You know what I did the next night? Went back to that EXACT SAME BAR. I’ve even told a bouncer I sneak in my own booze and never buy drinks at his bar, while taking my shirt off, and he let me in the very next weekend.
I mean damn, how many times do you have to get arrested at a place before someone says shit, we probably shouldn’t let this guy in. Well thanks to the fine people at Scanners That Make Bars No Fun R Us, it only takes one time.
It won’t just be us proud 21 year old patrons who suffer either. Think of the children Scanners R us, think of the children. How likely will people be to lend their IDs to a fresh faced 18-year-old knowing that any minor scuffles could get them blacklisted from Hooters for life.
But don’t worry, the scanners are still pretty new so not that many places have them yet. I’m betting our favorite college dive bars won’t bother with them for awhile. Because let’s face it, their business pretty much runs on inappropriately rowdy patrons. If someone isn’t throwing up on the dance floor the bar can’t have had a very successful night.
This makes it even more important to get fucked up and party as hard as possible during college. Because by the time we graduate, the world is going to be a very different place. You ever see Demolition Man? Sylvester Stallone ends up in a future so messed up and controlled that people get fined just for swearing and you can only fuck someone through a headset. Watch that movie again and think about the fact that everyone is cold sober the entire time. Shit just got a whole lot more depressing didn't it?
So as the school year begins and everyone moves back to college, it’s time to celebrate. It’s been three long months since you started that 30 person bar fight and the bouncers have forgotten all about it. It’s time to head back to your favorite college bars and remind them why you were so close to being banned last year.
So let’s all raise a glass to our clean slates, then smash them on the bar floor.

1 comment:

  1. I have literally done all of those things...then again i was probably part of the inspiration for this haha

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