Sunday, August 21, 2011

Guide To A Perfect Bender

A recurring theme in our posts has always been that there is never enough booze. For this particular one, however, I feel that it is important to reiterate. THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH BOOZE! The math for this is simple and may have been explained before. When pulling off a bender it is imperative that you and your friends get to the liquor store immediately to prepare. Benders are not easy to pull off with the amount of perfection achieved by some, but this guide will provide you and your friends with some tips to try and pull it off.
  1. The proper time to pull off a bender will always be a surprise and never happen when expected. A personal favorite is winning an award or tournament such as an Iron Chef contest or Family Feud tournament, just for example. Because these moments can strike at anytime, due to you and your bros being undoubtedly awesome, it is important to always have emergency booze on hand. This is equivalent to the amount of booze it will take to start drinking before and continue after the competition and get all of you fucked up. Usually a handle per person or the equivalent in beer is a good amount. No one is above having a box of wine and drinking from a soda can either. Cans are “conducive to violent hand gestures” and conceal booze in public areas.
  2. You and your roommates will arouse in the morning in a similar fashion to any other day but feel the need to start drinking. Use the remaining emergency booze to prepare road drinks and hit the liquor store. As you have already learned, buying in bulk is the only way to buy booze. Purchase by the case. Don’t get fancy because in a couple of hours all drinks will taste the same and that wave is going to ride out to the end of the week. The amount of booze needed is not always known, but speaking from experience it could take, oh, I don’t know, maybe, 12 handles of vodka, 80+ beers, and 3-4 boxes of wine to keep 5 to 6 guys drunk for the appropriate amount of time (5 day minimum). You will also have to restock the emergency booze in case this bender takes an unexpected turn which could include additional bendees and/or an extended period of time. In either case, another liquor run will be necessary and no one wants to get caught with their pants down.